If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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