Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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