I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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