If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
