I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
