who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
