My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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