don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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