Why is your signature on my underwear?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
