his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
