I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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