i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
