Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
