my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
