Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
