I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
