wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
