Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
