I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
