we're chasing vodka with high fives
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
