I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Im part way to drunk.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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