I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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