went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
