i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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