I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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