Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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