i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
