I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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