i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
