The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
