Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
