there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
