dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
