I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
