It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
