after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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