my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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