It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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