I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
