Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Randomize