I just cut my nipple shaving
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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