My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
