U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
