I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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