So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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