I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
