the condom got lost in my hair
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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