that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
