i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
