Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
