Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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