I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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