Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
