can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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