drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
