Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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