so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
