Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
