I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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