I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I did not marry a roomba.
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