I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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