She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i barfeds in our rink
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
