you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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