Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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