i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
