woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
