tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
