I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize