How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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