Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
