Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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