I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
