Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize