I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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