i love accidental penises.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
