And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
